A Toast to Tim Tebow

Answer: He Would Win.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is my honor, as a representative of every flag football bro in campus-land, to give this toast to a saint among men, Tim Tebow.

You see, Tim, you epitomize everything that college-aged Bros love in a flag football God role-model. When you wander on to the intramural fields, you don’t see tall, strapping young men hurling 60 yard bombs like their last name is Manning. You don’t see boys with Brady-like manes taking snaps from under center and calling audibles when the cornerback in his bar crawl t-shirt shows blitz.

No, you see Tim Tebows. You see boys who love the game, but can’t throw the ball for shit. You see guys who stare down their receiver, then take off on a QB-keeper when the pass isn’t there. You see poor mechanics mixing with slow reflexes and resulting in victories. You see your own reflection, Tim.

Let’s be honest, Tim. In eight games played this season, you have a 44.8% completion rate. Aaron Rodgers you are not. You throw the ball like you are trying to shot-put it into Heaven. And yet, you win. Inexplicably, you win. Just this week you beat the Chargers while also having one of the worst games ever, logging a QBR of 29.7. 

You are a gamer, Tim. As a starter, you’ve shown that when it really counts, when your back is to the wall, you can get the Ws. Sure, your average first-three-quarter QBR is 17.1 (good enough for DEAD LAST in the league), but your 4th quarter QBR is 81.4. That’s TOP FIVE! Arguably, if you didn’t shit the bed for three quarters, you might not have to pull 4th quarter miracles out of your angelic asshole. But it doesn’t matter, does it? Because you win.

And that is why flag football bros (of the college-age baller and middle-age nostalgia types alike) love you. They chanted for you to get the playing time, hoping you’d bring the raw emotion of your college game to the pros. You cried when your Gators lost the 2009 SEC championship game to Alabama. On national television! When was the last time you saw a career NFL player balling on the sidelines? (Cutler crying after other players gave him shit for bitching out in the NFC championship game does NOT count).

You are a cult phenomenon. You’ve inspired people to randomly get down on one knee and pray in awkward situations. Rabid detractors (and sarcastic asshats) took to the comments on an ESPN article about you to declare YOU < EVERYTHING.

You ball hard, Tim. You run. You score. You win. And for that, Bros everywhere dub you St. Timothy of Tebow, the Patron Saint of Ballin’ Out On E’ry Level.


Re-Making Space Jam: Day 5

It all comes down to this.

As I sat down to write up my roster for the MonStars, I had a vague concept of where I wanted to go with the line-up. I had avoided reading my fellow Toasters’ picks to keep my own thought process pure. In retrospect, that was a horrific mistake that really threw a wrench in my creative process. These others sons of bitches  bloggers took all my picks!

So, it took me longer than expected, but I feel like I have gathered together a group of five current NBA-ers (lockout-ers?) that could inherit the mantle of the MonStars.

PG – Nate Robinson

Standing at 5’9”, Robinson is a full six inches taller than Muggsy Bogues. However, with a 43.5” vertical and the 2009 Slam Dunk title under his belt, Robinson is built for the MonStars seemingly “dunk-only” offense. Playing for the Thunder, he’s used to a run-and-gun offense and playing with alien-like creatures (see: Kevin Durant).

F – Chris Bosh

Besides the fact that Bosh is easily one of the alien-est looking mofos in the league, he’s already on a team similar to the MonStars, so the transition won’t be much for him to handle. In the original MonStars line-up, most of the scoring is left to the Barkley/Ewing duo. Since Bosh would be replacing the Larry Johnson slot, it works out well because he is used to the two bigger stars on his team doing all the real work.

C- Andrew Bogut

It’s hard to replace a giant Mormon, but damnit someone’s gotta fill Shawn Bradley’s shoes while he hunts down whoever stole his bike. And where better to start that heading back to Bradley’s old stopping grounds of Utah? Like Bradley, Bogut was a foreign-born star at a university in Utah. If Bogut has no qualms with flipping off a fan after getting booted out of a game against Phoenix for a flagrant foul, I’m guessing he can handle the hostile Looney Toons crowd.

C- Kendrick Perkins

It’s never quite explained why the MonStars start two centers, but who am I to disagree with the giant aliens from outer space? When you think of replacing someone like Patrick Ewing, you think big and mean. For me, that’s Kendrick Perkins. Playing with a chip on his shoulder after being dumped off the Celtics and shipped to Oklahoma City, Perkins defensive skills will keep the Looney Toons off the scoreboard, even if he doesn’t score as much as Ewing.

F- Dirk Nowitzki

In ’96, Barkley had been in the league for over a decade. He had asserted himself as a dominant force on the court, averaging 23 points and over 11 rebounds a game that season, and pushing himself in the postseason to average 25 points and 13 rebounds in the playoffs. Like Barkley, Nowitzki has established himself as the top power forward in the league. In the 2010-2011 championship campaign, the golden-locked German averaged 23 points and 7 rebounds throughout the season. When it came time for the postseason, he kicked those averages up to 27 points and 8 rebounds. Nowitzki has what it takes to get ReDirkulous all over the Toon Squad.

TwitterVerse: Hawks Fly Together

We here at Jock Toast spend a lot of time on Twitter. (Follow us: @jocktoast, @childishstanzin). Being on the interwebs as often as we are, we stumble upon a lot of material for this site. Hacked emails, iPhones, AIM conversations and of course, Twitter. We enjoy sharing these things with you, our faithful followers (thanks for reading, Mom!).

I am an unabashed Iowa fan, so I was delighted when I came across this fantastic interaction between current Iowa QB James Vandenburg and former Iowa WR and ALL TIME GREAT Derrell Johnson-Koulianos. Enjoy, Toasters.
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