We all have our favorite teams and with that fandom comes the occasional meathead outburst where we make over dramatic statements that we know probably shouldn’t happen. But we can’t help it, we’re so caught up in the moment that it serves as an outlet to let out some anger and pure disappointment in our teams. I know I am guilty of this at least a dozen times a week; So and so player would look great on one of my teams (Dwight Howard), or so and so needs to go and I’ll gladly drive him to the airport (Alex Rios). With the Bears going from 7-3 to 7-7 in just one month, a lot of Bears fans want to clean house. In with the new and strong. Goodbye to the weak. I wouldn’t even be opposed to ridding ourselves of the concession stand workers.
That is the definition of a meathead statement right there.
The only real person that needs to own up to the mess the Bears are currently in is Jerry Angelo. Now instead of sounding like your typical “long time listener, first time caller” radio-meathead, I have actual support to my claim that will hopefully prove Jerry Angelo’s tenure on the lakefront should come to an end.
Draft Picks: Before Angelo became the Bears’ General Manager he served as Director of Player Personnel for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers; a position he held for 14 years. You would think a previous stop like that would help a person identify talent and become savvy in selecting said talent for his football team. Not Jerry Angelo!
Angelo has made 88 draft picks as the GM of the Bears and currently 22 of those draft picks are still with the team. Let me repeat that, 25% of Jerry Angelo’s draft selections are still on the roster. That means he is failing at a 75% rate. In what industry or career path can a person keep their job if they fail 75% of the time? For a little reference, our rivals to the north have been under the control of Ted Thompson since 2005, with his 68 draft picks, 32 are still on the roster, just under half. See, I’m not expecting perfection out of draft selections but being right only 25% of the time is inexcusable. And if you want to go draft for draft with the Packers, 20 of 54 Chicago draft picks since 2005 are still on the roster; still 10% worse than the defending Super Bowl Champs and current favorites to win the Super Bowl.
The draft is the place to build depth on your roster and if any season has shown the lack of the depth on the Bears it’s been this one.
The MonStars are looking for a table setter, and Rubio is the perfect fit. Much like a great soccer player, he sees angles and space that people didn’t know existed. Great passer. Runs the offense and his only goal is to throw as many alley oops as possible. PLUS, he is willing to do anything to get out of Minnesota, even if it means he has to play for Moron Mountain.
G- Kobe Bryant.
The Nerdlucks #1 priority. Already has the killer instinct necessary to banish someone to a life of suffering. Like he did with Kwame Brown.
F- Blake Griffin.
Looks like an alien. Check. Jumps over things like an alien. Check. Incapable of feeling or showing human emotion. Check.
C – Greg Oden.
Keeping with the doofus theme for the Blue Monster, Greg Oden is a natural fit. He’s tall, awkward and looks 25 years older than he is. Perfect for a cartoon. Also the whole fact that cartoons don’t have arthritis could really help keep him on the court for a longer than the opening tip.
F- 2011 Charles Barkley.
Who wouldn’t want to see the Round Mound of Rebound wheezing up and down the court? And everyone knows that Charles’s growing posterior would just make him that much more effective in the post. I also think we should let him do his own voice over for the character. “That EELLLIEN IS A DOG GONE KNUCKLEHEAD!”
PG: Brandon Jennings- He’s a young upcoming guy who is probably best described as a pro style street baller giving him the best opportunity to relate to this generation of fans. Plus, how good would that flat top look animated?
SG: J.R. Smith-He’s not the greatest of players but he has a destructive MonStarpersonality. He’s loud. He’s tatted up. He’s a natural cancer cell. He’s a ball hog. And he’s been George Karl’s villainous MonStar for years.
SF: Kevin Durant- If he wasn’t casted for the Jordan roll for the remake, he would have to be in it somehow. Enter our third MonStar with a backpack.
PF: Kevin Love- We need the token white guy for the team. He’ll rebound the heck out of the ball and hit a big three or two. Solid pick for the blue monster from Moron Mountain
C: Dwight Howard-There is really no way you can have a MonStar team without this guy on it. The man has more personality than the other 4 guys combined and can bust out the superman cap during the insane MonStar dunk sequence. He would be our Chuck in the remake.
Space Jam was on recently and of course I had to watch it. While I enjoyed going back to 1996, it begged the question, what if Warner Bros re-made Space Jam using current NBA players? Well we here at Jock Toast went around and came up with our own ideas of who would be selected to make Space Jam 2. Each day this week the Jock Toasters will unveil their own MonStars lineup and I’m here to kick things off!
PG: Rajon Rondo: Thinking as the Red Monster, I want the skills of someone who can facilitate an offense, someone who can throw a no-look alley-oop, and someone who already kind of looks like an alien. Rondo accomplishes all that.
SG: O.J. Mayo: Mayo was on the receiving end of improper benefits while at USC, the least he can do is give up his talents to an alien so they can take the Looney Tunes back to Moron Mountain
SF: LeBron James: LeBron is already the lead villain on the real life version of the MonStars so it makes sense for him to lead this team in the movie. Best part for LeBron, as an animated alien, no one can see his receding hairline.
PF: Josh Smith: Josh Smith just screams the role of the Orange MonStar. He thinks his game is a lot better than it is. A little advice Josh, stop taking jump shots.
C: Chris Andersen: The Blue Monster was my favorite when I watched this movie as a little kid; he was a doofus and just fun to laugh at. The Birdman is to me now what the Blue Monster was to me at 8 years old. His tattoos, birdman celebration, and hair make him a perfect replacement for Shaun Bradley 15 years later.