We Miss the NBA: Day 2+3

We here at Jock Toast miss the NBA. We miss the dunks. We miss the drama. We miss hating the Heat. We miss pointing out how far LeBron’s hairline has receded. We miss Dirk, Kobe, D-Rose, KD, Kevin Love, Dwight Howard, and Stan Van Gundy’s turtle necks. We miss watching how much weight Baron Davis can put on in a week. We miss Andrew Bogut’s “Amish Beard”.

The NBA-Where Lockout’s happen… and seemingly never end.

So, to guarantee we get our fix like the cracked out nomad behind your local 711, we will bring you some sort of NBA nugget that should get you through the night.

Yes, we realize this may cause more harm than good. But remember, we are enablers here at Jock Toast, so enjoy the crack…er, NBA festivities!

Today we have a nice little feature-ette/remembrance of a future NBA Finals MVP.  Also, for your viewing pleasure, we have an amazing clip of what would happen if you subbed in Toby Gerhart for the Vikings in Madden while playing the Indianapolis Colts (an effective use of the “Y-Button” and “Truck Stick” are also necessary).

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We Miss the NBA: Day 1

We here at Jock Toast miss the NBA.  We miss the dunks.  We miss the drama.  We miss hating the Heat.  We miss pointing out how far LeBron’s hairline has receded.  We miss Dirk, Kobe, D-Rose, KD, Kevin Love, Dwight Howard, and Stan Van Gundy’s turtle necks.  We miss watching how much weight Baron Davis can put on in a week.  We miss Andrew Bogut’s “Amish Beard”.

The NBA-Where Lockout’s happen… and seemingly never end.

So, to guarantee we get our fix like the cracked out nomad behind your local 711, we will bring you some sort of NBA nugget that should get you through the night.

Yes, we realize this may cause more harm than good.  But remember, we are enablers here at Jock Toast, so enjoy the crack…er, NBA festivities!

 

Re-Making Space Jam: Day 5

It all comes down to this.

As I sat down to write up my roster for the MonStars, I had a vague concept of where I wanted to go with the line-up. I had avoided reading my fellow Toasters’ picks to keep my own thought process pure. In retrospect, that was a horrific mistake that really threw a wrench in my creative process. These others sons of bitches  bloggers took all my picks!

So, it took me longer than expected, but I feel like I have gathered together a group of five current NBA-ers (lockout-ers?) that could inherit the mantle of the MonStars.

PG – Nate Robinson

Standing at 5’9”, Robinson is a full six inches taller than Muggsy Bogues. However, with a 43.5” vertical and the 2009 Slam Dunk title under his belt, Robinson is built for the MonStars seemingly “dunk-only” offense. Playing for the Thunder, he’s used to a run-and-gun offense and playing with alien-like creatures (see: Kevin Durant).

F – Chris Bosh

Besides the fact that Bosh is easily one of the alien-est looking mofos in the league, he’s already on a team similar to the MonStars, so the transition won’t be much for him to handle. In the original MonStars line-up, most of the scoring is left to the Barkley/Ewing duo. Since Bosh would be replacing the Larry Johnson slot, it works out well because he is used to the two bigger stars on his team doing all the real work.

C- Andrew Bogut

It’s hard to replace a giant Mormon, but damnit someone’s gotta fill Shawn Bradley’s shoes while he hunts down whoever stole his bike. And where better to start that heading back to Bradley’s old stopping grounds of Utah? Like Bradley, Bogut was a foreign-born star at a university in Utah. If Bogut has no qualms with flipping off a fan after getting booted out of a game against Phoenix for a flagrant foul, I’m guessing he can handle the hostile Looney Toons crowd.

C- Kendrick Perkins

It’s never quite explained why the MonStars start two centers, but who am I to disagree with the giant aliens from outer space? When you think of replacing someone like Patrick Ewing, you think big and mean. For me, that’s Kendrick Perkins. Playing with a chip on his shoulder after being dumped off the Celtics and shipped to Oklahoma City, Perkins defensive skills will keep the Looney Toons off the scoreboard, even if he doesn’t score as much as Ewing.

F- Dirk Nowitzki

In ’96, Barkley had been in the league for over a decade. He had asserted himself as a dominant force on the court, averaging 23 points and over 11 rebounds a game that season, and pushing himself in the postseason to average 25 points and 13 rebounds in the playoffs. Like Barkley, Nowitzki has established himself as the top power forward in the league. In the 2010-2011 championship campaign, the golden-locked German averaged 23 points and 7 rebounds throughout the season. When it came time for the postseason, he kicked those averages up to 27 points and 8 rebounds. Nowitzki has what it takes to get ReDirkulous all over the Toon Squad.

Re-Making Space Jam: Day 3

G- Ricky Rubio.

The MonStars are looking for a table setter, and Rubio is the perfect fit. Much like a great soccer player, he sees angles and space that people didn’t know existed. Great passer. Runs the offense and his only goal is to throw as many alley oops as possible. PLUS, he is willing to do anything to get out of Minnesota, even if it means he has to play for Moron Mountain.

G- Kobe Bryant.

The Nerdlucks #1 priority. Already has the killer instinct necessary to banish someone to a life of suffering. Like he did with Kwame Brown.

F- Blake Griffin.

Looks like an alien. Check. Jumps over things like an alien. Check. Incapable of feeling or showing human emotion. Check.

C – Greg Oden.

Keeping with the doofus theme for the Blue Monster, Greg Oden is a natural fit. He’s tall, awkward and looks 25 years older than he is. Perfect for a cartoon. Also the whole fact that cartoons don’t have arthritis could really help keep him on the court for a longer than the opening tip.

F- 2011 Charles Barkley.

Who wouldn’t want to see the Round Mound of Rebound wheezing up and down the court? And everyone knows that Charles’s growing posterior would just make him that much more effective in the post.  I also think we should let him do his own voice over for the character. “That EELLLIEN IS A DOG GONE KNUCKLEHEAD!”

Re-making Space Jam: Who are the new MonStars?

Space Jam was on recently and of course I had to watch it. While I enjoyed going back to 1996, it begged the question, what if Warner Bros re-made Space Jam using current NBA players? Well we here at Jock Toast went around and came up with our own ideas of who would be selected to make Space Jam 2. Each day this week the Jock Toasters will unveil their own MonStars lineup and I’m here to kick things off!

PG: Rajon Rondo: Thinking as the Red Monster, I want the skills of someone who can facilitate an offense, someone who can throw a no-look alley-oop, and someone who already kind of looks like an alien. Rondo accomplishes all that.

SG: O.J. Mayo: Mayo was on the receiving end of improper benefits while at USC, the least he can do is give up his talents to an alien so they can take the Looney Tunes back to Moron Mountain

SF: LeBron James: LeBron is already the lead villain on the real life version of the MonStars so it makes sense for him to lead this team in the movie. Best part for LeBron, as an animated alien, no one can see his receding hairline.

PF: Josh Smith: Josh Smith just screams the role of the Orange MonStar. He thinks his game is a lot better than it is. A little advice Josh, stop taking jump shots.

C: Chris Andersen: The Blue Monster was my favorite when I watched this movie as a little kid; he was a doofus and just fun to laugh at. The Birdman is to me now what the Blue Monster was to me at 8 years old. His tattoos, birdman celebration, and hair make him a perfect replacement for Shaun Bradley 15 years later.

Dear Rex…How can we be on the bench and these bums be starting?

Rex-

How bad do both of our teams look right now?  How depressing is it watching John Beck and Tim “The Second Coming” Tebow from the sidelines? 

I know Shanahan wanted Beck from the get go, and even with all of your press conferences and strong beliefs at the begining of the season he took you out.  Even though you pretty much handed the Eagles the game a couple of weeks ago with your ill-advised decisions to just keep throwing into double and triple coverage, I still think you’re better than John Freaking Beck. 

Didn’t you go to a Super Bowl?  Yes, the Bears defense pretty much carried you to Miami, and yes, you played horrible in that Superbowl, but John Beck.  Sure, you ultimately were replaced by me 4 games into the next season, BUT, you’re still a Super Bowl losing QB and there is something to say for that. 

 That’s more than John Beck can say about himself, isn’t it?  The second round pick is a career backup that obviously knows something about coach Shanahan’s past and is using it as blackmail. Its like Shanahan is having an affair with John Elway and John Freaking Beck is the only one in on it (Actually, can you do a little research and let me know if he is cause maybe I can use that info to get me back in the lineup baby).

But enough about you, let’s get to my BS situation.  Tim Tebow, oh righteous one, is the starting QB for the Denver Broncos. 

That would be all well and good if the guy did a little less praying and a lot more studying of John Fox’s playbook.  Or, hell, how about working on his joke of a throwing arm (he throws the pigskin like it’s a baseball.  Who does he think he is, Nolan Ryan?).

With all of his issues and inefficiencies, can you please explain to me why all the fans of Denver are so infatuated with this guy? It can’t be because of my play?  Or wait, can it?

It isn’t my fault that I short hop, overthrow, and mistake my teams colors sometimes.  I mean damn it to hell, make a play fellas (Knowshon Moreno? HELLO ARE YOU THERE?).

I really need to drown my sorrows.  That only means one thing.  I’m going to head back to Iowa City and drink myself into a stupor like I did a few years ago when you replaced me as a starter in Chicago.  You should join me and we can talk more about how awesome we are and how we should be in lineup! 

YOU ARE A SUPER BOWL LOSING QUATERBACK REX, ALWAYS REMEMBER!

Talk to you later,

Kyle