To my son

My Dearest Timmy-

We have done it once again my child.  You and I have fought from the depths of dispair for six straight weeks, continously standing tall, champion of all champions.  Woefully starring into the empty and deceased eyes of our doubters.  No self proclaimed “Monster” of the “Midway”, nor hairy and bile Viking, nor unholy and anti-semitic Indian Chief can muster up enough courage and strength to stand in our way.

Though it was challenging, though it was hard, though we lay beaten and bloody; together we have prospered as one being.  Together we have been held victors with our backs pinned against a hypothetical wall.  A wall that we soon enough broke down, brick by brick, piece by piece.

All the while, we have slowly gained a following.  That in itself has been a test of your faith; but you have yet to question this path, this connection, Timmy.  Your name now, once deemed inadequte and unable, is being uttered among the elite men in your world.  The kings of all kings.  The righteous of right.  They shall be your disciples soon.  They shall soon adhere to you and your genius.  This is our destiny.

Disciple Rodgers, Brees, and Brady have been dutifully waiting for this day since I came to them all in college; I spoke of a day of reckoning, a day where they will BE.  I did not tell them when, and who would be leading them; I simply told them to wait, eyes open, and they will soon see.  They SEE you for what you are now; they are ready to pass along your word.

There will be more to follow, Timmy.  Disciple Luck  and Disciple Barkley have finaly caught glimpse of the light and are ready to step into the next stage of their faith.  Disciple Cutler and Manning, though born skeptics, have adopted you as their savior and have stepped closer to your herald song.

Lead these people, Timmy.  Be their savior.  Be their voice of reason.  With them, the rest of your peers, even those unholy and sinful persons of the ESPN Kingdom will soon see your greatness for what it truly is.

They will all soon stand in your light, (Te)bowing to you.

I am proud of you my son.

-He

P.S.

How fucking dumb is Marion Barber!

A Toast to Tim Tebow

Answer: He Would Win.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is my honor, as a representative of every flag football bro in campus-land, to give this toast to a saint among men, Tim Tebow.

You see, Tim, you epitomize everything that college-aged Bros love in a flag football God role-model. When you wander on to the intramural fields, you don’t see tall, strapping young men hurling 60 yard bombs like their last name is Manning. You don’t see boys with Brady-like manes taking snaps from under center and calling audibles when the cornerback in his bar crawl t-shirt shows blitz.

No, you see Tim Tebows. You see boys who love the game, but can’t throw the ball for shit. You see guys who stare down their receiver, then take off on a QB-keeper when the pass isn’t there. You see poor mechanics mixing with slow reflexes and resulting in victories. You see your own reflection, Tim.

Let’s be honest, Tim. In eight games played this season, you have a 44.8% completion rate. Aaron Rodgers you are not. You throw the ball like you are trying to shot-put it into Heaven. And yet, you win. Inexplicably, you win. Just this week you beat the Chargers while also having one of the worst games ever, logging a QBR of 29.7. 

You are a gamer, Tim. As a starter, you’ve shown that when it really counts, when your back is to the wall, you can get the Ws. Sure, your average first-three-quarter QBR is 17.1 (good enough for DEAD LAST in the league), but your 4th quarter QBR is 81.4. That’s TOP FIVE! Arguably, if you didn’t shit the bed for three quarters, you might not have to pull 4th quarter miracles out of your angelic asshole. But it doesn’t matter, does it? Because you win.

And that is why flag football bros (of the college-age baller and middle-age nostalgia types alike) love you. They chanted for you to get the playing time, hoping you’d bring the raw emotion of your college game to the pros. You cried when your Gators lost the 2009 SEC championship game to Alabama. On national television! When was the last time you saw a career NFL player balling on the sidelines? (Cutler crying after other players gave him shit for bitching out in the NFC championship game does NOT count).

You are a cult phenomenon. You’ve inspired people to randomly get down on one knee and pray in awkward situations. Rabid detractors (and sarcastic asshats) took to the comments on an ESPN article about you to declare YOU < EVERYTHING.

You ball hard, Tim. You run. You score. You win. And for that, Bros everywhere dub you St. Timothy of Tebow, the Patron Saint of Ballin’ Out On E’ry Level.

Amen.

We Miss the NBA: Day 2+3

We here at Jock Toast miss the NBA. We miss the dunks. We miss the drama. We miss hating the Heat. We miss pointing out how far LeBron’s hairline has receded. We miss Dirk, Kobe, D-Rose, KD, Kevin Love, Dwight Howard, and Stan Van Gundy’s turtle necks. We miss watching how much weight Baron Davis can put on in a week. We miss Andrew Bogut’s “Amish Beard”.

The NBA-Where Lockout’s happen… and seemingly never end.

So, to guarantee we get our fix like the cracked out nomad behind your local 711, we will bring you some sort of NBA nugget that should get you through the night.

Yes, we realize this may cause more harm than good. But remember, we are enablers here at Jock Toast, so enjoy the crack…er, NBA festivities!

Today we have a nice little feature-ette/remembrance of a future NBA Finals MVP.  Also, for your viewing pleasure, we have an amazing clip of what would happen if you subbed in Toby Gerhart for the Vikings in Madden while playing the Indianapolis Colts (an effective use of the “Y-Button” and “Truck Stick” are also necessary).

We Miss the NBA: Day 1

We here at Jock Toast miss the NBA.  We miss the dunks.  We miss the drama.  We miss hating the Heat.  We miss pointing out how far LeBron’s hairline has receded.  We miss Dirk, Kobe, D-Rose, KD, Kevin Love, Dwight Howard, and Stan Van Gundy’s turtle necks.  We miss watching how much weight Baron Davis can put on in a week.  We miss Andrew Bogut’s “Amish Beard”.

The NBA-Where Lockout’s happen… and seemingly never end.

So, to guarantee we get our fix like the cracked out nomad behind your local 711, we will bring you some sort of NBA nugget that should get you through the night.

Yes, we realize this may cause more harm than good.  But remember, we are enablers here at Jock Toast, so enjoy the crack…er, NBA festivities!

 

Save Community/Bring Back FNL: A Letter

 


Dear any major-television decision maker willing to listen,

Hello.  You might not know who we are, but rest assured, we know you; all of you.  You are the decision makers of the select few television juggernauts that provide entertainment in each and every one of our homes.  Undoubtedly so, you are in your position of extreme decision making based on you previous work experience, work ethic, and knowledge of the industry; so please forgive us if we come off as all knowing and maybe a little excessive.

BUT WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Too rash?  Let us explain.

Although we can begin with any list of shows that have been cancelled with a swift stab of a hypothetical heart, it wouldn’t be right unless we started with one particular show that we feel was wrongfully cancelled.  A show that provided the healthiest mixture of family values, drama, and comedy; all the while presenting its viewers, both young and old, with the closest look into the life of a teenage jock, nerd, teacher, coach, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, and hillbilly.  If you are somewhat clueless (which we would guess, you are) as to what show we speak of, maybe this will provide you with a more definite answer.

Continue reading

Devin Hester…You are a Hall of Famer

Devin Hester was a huge a part of the Bears 37 to 13 victory against their division rival, the Detroit Lions Sunday afternoon.  Not only did Hester set up the Bears first touchdown with a long punt return, he then took Detroit’s next punt and returned it 82 yards for a touchdown.  That punt return touchdown was the 12th of his career and 17th kick/punt return touchdown overall.

As if that were not enough, Hester also has a missed field goal return for a touchdown.  He sits only one return touchdown away from Deion Sanders record of 19.  What is even more extravagant is that Hester has almost reached this milestone in only 85 games, while it took “Primetime” 188.

Oh and did I mention he is only 29 years old and having already smashed Kevin Mitchell’s kick/punt return record at that young of an age is miraculous.

What most don’t even realize is that Hester has at least another 3 to 4 years of top-notch returning left in his career and IF Hester continues on the pace he’s currently at of three return touchdowns per season, he’ll finish his career with around 30 return touchdowns.  That would be more than twice the amount of any returner in NFL history.

With those numbers, how can the true “Windy City Flyer” not be a Hall of Famer?!

If you ask his teammate and perennial all-pro linebacker Brian Urlacher, he would tell you that Hester should be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

He said during a recent interview on the Waddle and Silvy show on Chicago’s ESPN 1000, “He’s the greatest of all time at what he does, and in my opinion, when you’re the greatest of all time at your position you should be in the Hall of Fame. He is a first-ballot Hall of Famer in my opinion. He’s going to have 30-something touchdown returns if people keep kicking to him. It’s a no-brainer for me. I just don’t see how people can not agree with that.”

Unfortunately Urlacher will not have a vote on whether Hester becomes enshrined in Canton, but for those that do, there is no way you can justify not voting Hester in when his time comes.  He has an unbelievable impact on every game that he plays in.  Teams have to game plan for Devin Hester.  Let me repeat that… TEAMS HAVE TO GAME PLAN FOR A RETURN MAN (go ahead and let that fester for a while).

He kills teams even when he doesn’t touch the ball.  IF you kick to him, more times than not, he will burn you.  IF you decide to kick away from him, it generally results in great field position for the Bears.  Name another player that has that affect on a team without even touching the ball?  Nobody?  Yeah, we couldn’t come up with anyone either.

If Hester is eventually voted into the Hall of Fame he would be the first return specialist to be enshrined, and it would be well deserved.  If he continues to burn teams that decide to kick to him, Bears radio announcer Jeff Joniak will have to change his memorable call to Devin Hester…you are a Hall of Famer.